


scribbling

by drevelyn



Category: Andi Mack - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, kippen siblings theory, some fluff but mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-22 20:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 13,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18534580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drevelyn/pseuds/drevelyn
Summary: Tj’s headphones never come out of his ears. At school, it doesn’t matter. No one wants to talk to him anyways, and even if he tried to pay attention in class, it wouldn’t make a difference. At home, it drowns out the fighting. Between his parents, his sister, sometimes even him, albeit rarely. No one has ever tried to change this. It’s just how he is; that’s what people say. Then, one day, he gets a light tap on his shoulder and a question: what are you listening to?





	1. Clean Eyes- SYML

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiiii so i'm an idiot and accidentally deleted everything so here's upload number two lol also the playlist is on Spotify @annemcelwee title scribbling thanks for dealing with me lol

At this point, Tj may as well be scribbling. He doesn’t really remember what his intention for this drawing was, but his hand hurts so much he can’t even hold his pencil right. The notebook page is covered in thick, dark streaks of lead with no real meaning. He debates calling it ‘my hands messed up’ and hanging it in his room just to be ironic. 

As he massages his bandaged knuckles, he feels a light tap on his shoulder. Quickly covering the notebook with his arms and pulling out one earbud, he turns around.

“What are you listening to?” It’s Cyrus, one of Buffy Driscoll’s friends. Tj remembers seeing him in the bleachers at basketball games in middle school, although he’s a bit taller and somehow his eyebrows have gotten even more prominent. He doesn’t really know how he remembers Cyrus’ face so vividly considering the only way he knew him was as one of Buffy’s sidekicks, but the image of his round baby face is easy to recall. It’s a lot sharper now; his face that is.

“Oh, um, SYML.” Tj says, and then realising he probably has no idea what that is adds, “Clean Eyes,” although that probably doesn’t help.

“Hm, never heard of it.” Cyrus readjusts the binder slipping in his arms. “You draw?” he says, nodding his head toward the notebook under Tj’s arms.

“Yeah, I guess.” This is the longest conversation Tj has had with anyone at school in years, unless you count the principal. Cyrus fixates on Tj’s knuckles.

“What happened to your hand?

“What do you want?” Tj asks curtly, pulling his hand out of Cyrus’ vision. 

“Oh, well, we’re partnering up for an assignment and everyone else is taken.” He smiles sheepishly with one corner of his mouth.

“Then work alone.” Tj turns back to his notebook, shaking his head and putting his earbud back in.

“Wait! I mean-” Cyrus grabs his arm, pulling Tj around to face him. “I thought we could work together.” He doesn’t let go.

“I got that.” He tries to shrug him off, but Cyrus holds tight. Not in a confrontational way, more desperately, pleading. Tj stares into his eyes, trying to get him to back down. Instead-

“So?” he asks. Now he smiles with his whole mouth, although still hiding his teeth.

“No thank you.”

“But-”

“Look Cyrus,” Tj finally shrugs him off. “Thank you for being so considerate as to tell me you’re stuck with me because all the better options were chosen, but honestly, I’m not really one for group assignments, or any type of assignment. You’d be better off without me. Less deadweight.” Tj waits for a response, expecting something mouthy, expecting to be called an asshole, or a prick, or any kind of name like that that may as well be stamped on his birth certificate at this point. 

“I didn’t mean to say that I was stuck with you,” is what he says instead, walking away politely, if that’s even possible. Tj watches him go, almost feeling bad. Cyrus brushes his arm as he heads back to his seat, and Tj almost grabs it, saying he’s sorry, sure they can work together. He almost calls his name, pulls out a chair, invites him over and hands him an earbud. He almost, he almost, he almost.

In reality, he just watches him go.


	2. bad guy- Billie Eilish

This time, Tj  _ is _ scribbling, but with purpose. His lines are clear and dark, both hands gripping hard at the pencil and the notebook. His chest shakes with the beat of the music, the volume turned as loud as it will go. He still doesn’t have an end goal. He doesn’t have a final picture; he’s just letting the pencil direct him. He hears loud banging, someone pounding on a door. He pushes harder.

“Amber!” It’s his mom. He pushes the headphones farther into his ears.

“Not now mom! I’m busy.” Her words are full of venom, but Tj can’t focus on that; all he’s thinking is  _ why can I still hear them? _ He presses on the volume up button, knowing it won’t do anything. He scrunches his face, scrunches his body, caving in on himself. Pushing, Pushing.

“Yes now! Get out here!”

“I said I’m busy!” 

“I SAID GET OUT HERE!” Her words are raspy with anger, and despite himself a tear falls. His chest pitches forward and he presses so hard the led snaps. He clicks the end of his pencil furiously, pressing even harder than before. Amber yells, his mom yells, back and forth, like a game of ping pong except everything is on fire and they have snakes coming out of their heads, lashing at each other. He drops everything, letting his pencil roll onto his carpet, his notebook drop in his lap.

He pushes his hands over is ears, shutting his eyes like it’s going to block out the noise. It doesn’t. _Think of something good._ _Breath. Rock yourself back and forth._ He tries to think of everything he should do, everything logical, but Tj doesn’t know what to do in these situations. They only started recently, ever since Amber-

“Sorry! I can’t HEAR YOU!” Amber blasts her music, singing along loudly, their mom still pounding on the door. 

“AMBER!” The alarm system beeps, and Tj knows that his dad is home. It makes his ribs shake. His footsteps pound up the stairs, and the yelling continues. 

“Why can’t you learn to take control of this type of stuff? Why is it always me that has to deal with it?” his dad yells.

“Well  _ maybe  _ if you weren’t at work until eight o’clock every night leaving  _ me _ to deal with these kids all by myself, I’d have a lot easier of a time!” his mom yells back.

“Ooh! Sorry I have to support this family since you refuse too!”

“Refuse? It’s  _ you  _ who convinced me being a stay at home mom was a good idea!” 

“Stop,” Tj whispers to himself, all of the noise shaking his mind, feeling helpless, feelings scared, wanting his old life back. “Please, just  _ stop.”  _ Pushing, pushing.

Pushing.


	3. The Cave- Mumford & Sons

The noise has stopped, at least outside. It still echoes in Tj’s head. He’s been breathing, staring at the ceiling, ever since his mom stomped downstairs to sleep on the pull-out, ever since his dad busted the lock on Amber’s door and took her speaker, ever since Amber’s quiet sobs started, barely audible through the walls.

“Amber?” Tj whispers, turning onto his right side. She’s laying just on the other side of his wall which is covered in drawings torn out from notebooks, back when he still had inspiration to draw anything but scribbles.

“She’s fine. Just go to bed.” He hears the rustling of covers, assuming she’s turned away from him. He does the same, feeling more alone than ever.

He feels a vibration rumble his stomach, and digs under the covers for his phone, the light hurting his eyes.

It’s a text.

_From Cyrus._

He taps it, swiping his phone open and letting his eyes relax, letting them adjust to the brightness. The text’s on instagram, of course, cause in what world would Cyrus have his number?

 ** _C: Cool song. Do you like anything else by them?_** **_I want recommendations._** What the hell? First of all, Tj can’t really remember what he was listening to when they talked, second of all, _what the hell?_

 ** _T: Yeah maybe. Who was it again?_** He gets an immediate reply. Cyrus must be waiting with his phone open.

 ** _C: SYML._** Oh yeah.

**_T: First of all, it’s a he not a them. Second of all, I’d listen to wheres my love next. Alternate versions the best._ **

**_C: Cool thanks! :)_ **


	4. all the good girls go to hell- Billie Eilish

Tj’s mind is already swirling enough, he doesn’t need a pool of numbers written on the board to add to that. His head is pounding with everything he doesn’t understand. He closes his eyes, but that’s stopped helping. Now, instead of seeing black, instead of going back to the way everything used to be, he just sees swirls of letters and numbers, flashing pictures of everything he’s trying to escape from. It’s like his imagination has run dry.

He opens his eyes and looks down, noticing that he’s drawn what looks like the gates of heaven, like his hand was working on autopilot. It’s a rough sketch, nothing more than basic lines. Calling it the gates of heaven is like calling an ink splotch a dog; it’s all about perspective. Really it could be anything. Tj scribbles “welcome to hell” across the top, drawing a devil’s tail weaving through the bars of the gate.

It reflects how he feels a bit more accurately.


	5. LOST BOY- Troye Sivan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay cool back on track here's a new chapter

The dinner table is silent. Tj’s surprised they all still eat together. It doesn’t make much sense. The whole time they stare at their plates, avoiding all topics of conversation knowing that even talking about the weather could end in an argument. But of course, because she is Amber, ballsy, confident, and will never take shit from anyone, she speaks up, and she doesn’t talk about the weather.

“So,” she starts. A bad way to start things, in Tj’s opinion. Staying silent would’ve been a better option. “I got a girlfriend.” His dad slams his silverware down.

“Amber! You _know_ this makes us uncomfortable!”

“Well, I’m sorry who I am is such a burden to you guys!”

“You know that is not what I meant! Can’t you just give us some time to adjust?” Tj feels trapped. He doesn’t dare move. He doesn’t dare say anything. He just stares and his plate and squeezes his hands between his legs.

“Tj, will you help us out here!” His dad turns to him, and Tj’s eyes go wide. He’s tries to find an excuse but it’s all stammers.

“I-please-”

“Don’t put him in the middle of this dad! He didn’t do anything!” Amber stands up, letting her chair slide behind her and scrape against the floor. She stomps out of the room, calling, “I’ll just go to my room. Maybe I won’t be such a nuisance in there.” A door slams. Tj is gripping the table, his knuckles pulling and blooming red across his bandages.

“I’m sorry you have to be in the middle of this son.” Tj doesn’t say anything.

“Sweetie, maybe you should go upstairs and change your bandages.” He nods, getting up and shuffling away, trying to make himself small.

In his bathroom, he pulls off the gauze, wincing when it tugs on his scabs, throwing it away and grabbing more from the medicine cabinet.

“Tj,” he turns. Amber is standing in the doorway, her face puffy and her arms wrapped around herself. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I shouldn’t keep putting you in uncomfortable situations. I’m being selfish.” He runs his hand under cold water.

“It’s okay Amber.” She smiles, barely, and turns back to her room. He wants to say _and you should tell me about this girlfriend sometime_ , but something stops him, and he just watches her go. He finishes wrapping up his hand and goes back in his room.

His phone is lying on his bed, the screen lit up. It’s from Cyrus.

 **_C: I like that song even more than the first one._ **Tj ignores it, falling onto his bed and shuffling his playlist, closing his eyes, trying to fall asleep.

His phone vibrates again. Groaning, he opens it.

**_C: You know what you should listen to?_ **

**_T: what_ **

**_C: Troye Sivan_ ** Tj smirks to himself.

**_T: I already am_ **

**_C: Really?! What song?_ **

**_T: LOST BOY_ **

**_C: I LOVE that song! What’s your favorite?_ ** He is such a dork.

**_T: probably SUBURBIA, but anything from the blue neighborhood album is amazing_ **

**_C: ugh, ikr? Have you heard his bloom album?_ **

**_T: duh_ **

**_C: and???_ **

**_T: my my my_ **

**_C: such a good one!_ **Tj smiles.

**_T: what’s your favorite?_ **

**_C: No! That’s too hard_ **

**_T: you have to answer_ **

**_C: okay I guess bloom, dance to this, and the good side_ **

**_T: all very good choices_ **

**_C: but they’re still all my favorite_ **

**_C: don’t you ever make me choose something like that again tj kippen or we’re going to have some problems_ **

**_T: noted_ **Tj laughs.

**_C: I should probably go to sleep…_ **

**_T: Really? It’s like nine dude_ **

**_C: ik but last night I got like four hours of sleep so I’m trying to catch up_ **

**_T: ohhhh okay_ **

**_C: goodnight Tj_ **

**_T: night cyrus_ **Tj closes his phone, rolling onto his side and closing his eyes, still smiling.

 


	6. Paris in the Rain- Lauv

Tj can’t sleep. It appears neither can Cyrus, cause Tj’s phone buzzes again.

C:  **_What are you listening to now?_ **

**_T: Paris in the Rain. Couldn’t sleep?_ **

**_C: Nah. You like Lauv too?!_ ** Tj smiles at Cyrus’ excitement. He hasn’t stopped smiling. He doesn’t want too. 

**_T: It’s a match made in heaven Goodman._ **

**_C: :)_ **

And then Tj just sits there looking at his screen. Cyrus doesn’t type anything but his little green dot doesn’t disappear. It’s almost like they’re just sitting together in silence, and it’s not awkward; it’s comfortable and they’re both content just being in each other’s company.

**_C: Okay real talk._ **

**_C: Billie’s new album._ ** TJ giggles, something he didn’t even think he could do.

**_T: Perfection. I’ve had it on repeat since it came out._ **

**_C: Ik it’s so good._ **

**_C: Even if you’re a liar._ **

**_T: What?_ **

**_C: You were listening to Clean Eyes the other day, and you just said you’re listening to Lauv._ **

**_T: Okay you caught me. Maybe not since the day it came out, but Billie does make up the majority of my playlist._ **

**_C: Can I ever listen to it?_ **

**_T: What?_ **

**_C: Your playlist._ ** This is what makes Tj freeze. He doesn’t share his playlist with people. Even if he did just tell Cyrus practically everything that’s on his playlist, it’s not the same. His playlist is like a piece of him. It’s been the only thing keeping him sane for years, and he doesn’t think he’s ready to share that with anyone.

I mean, he hasn’t even showed it to Amber. 

Nonetheless-

**_T: Yeah maybe one day_ **

**_C: Cool :)_ **


	7. My My My!- Troye Sivan

“Okay, since we’re friends now, will you be my partner?” Tj looks up, and there’s Cyrus, clutching his fat blue binder just like the other day.

“We’re friends now?” Tj asks, raising his eyebrows. 

“Well duh!” Cyrus says, setting his stuff down next to Tj and sliding onto the stool. “Why wouldn’t we be friends?”  _ Why would we?  _ Is all Tj can think, but he just shrugs.

“Okay, so.” Cyrus heaves his binder open. It’s surprisingly unorganized. “For the project we need to, um, one sec.” He shuffles through the dozens of papers, reading the titles quietly to himself. “Aha! Okay, it says we have to come up with a research project and…” he trails off, beginning to read in his head. “Yeah, so we just have to come up with a research project on how different forms of communication impact a person’s mental state. Basically.” 

“You know I never agreed to this.”

“I know.”

“I also warned you that doing a project with me is like doing it with a boulder tied to your ankle.”

“I know.” Cyrus takes out a sheet of a paper and writes ‘project ideas’ on the top in handwriting so neat it could be a font. “So, what are we thinking?” He looks at Tj expectantly.

“Oh, um…” Tj glances around the room, trying to get some inspiration. Turns out it’s not just when he’s drawing that it’s all run out. “I don’t know.”

“Well, that’s okay because I have some ideas.” He starts to write furiously, rambling on about topics that Tj can’t even begin to get his head around. After the word ‘ideas’ his mind goes fuzzy.

“Wait, say that again,” he interrupts. Cyrus takes in a big breath of air.

“Okay, so we could look at the brain patterns by-” and once again, Tj’s lost. After at least ten minutes Cyrus stops, folding his hands and looking at Tj. “So? What do you think?”  _ I can’t. _

“Um, yeah they all sound great. Whichever one you think is good.” Cyrus smiles. His smile is one of those ones that Tj can feel in his stomach. It makes him happy just to see him smile. Tj thinks it’s because he deserves it; such a good person deserves to smile.

“Cool! Okay I think we should do this one then.” He points to one of the numbers, reading it out loud, but Tj doesn’t listen. Why bother?


	8. Call Your Girlfriend- Robyn

When Tj leaves school, he doesn’t wait for Amber. He doesn’t start walking home. He just wants five minutes to himself, where he feels no pressure. He walks around the back of the school, wandering over to the playground and sitting on one of the swings. He watches his feet drag in the wood chips, feeling like a little kid again.

Usually Tj tries his hardest to drown out what anyone is saying around here, keeping his headphones at max volume, but there’s a certain voice that makes him want to keep listening. Well, a few certain voices.

“Oh, right. This is my girlfriend. Amber.” He doesn’t know who’s talking.

“Oh cool! Hey Amber, I’m Buffy.”

“I’m Cyrus.” Oh my _God_ , is Amber’s girlfriend Andi? Tj tilts his head to look out of the corner of his eye, and sure enough there his sister is, hand in hand with Andi Mack surrounded by a circle of her friends. _Is Amber friends with all of them too now?_

“Well, I should go. I don’t want to leave Tj hanging.” She leans over and kisses Andi on the cheek. “See ya guys!”

“Wait!” Cyrus steps forward, reaching out but not touching her. “Your friends with Tj?” Amber scrunches her face.

“Are _you_ friends with Tj?” _Hey guys! I’m literally ten feet from you!_ It looks like he’s gotten pretty good at blending in. Just like he wanted.

“Well, yeah kind of.”

“Oh.” Amber’s confused, he can tell. “Well, no. He’s my brother.”

“Your _brother!?_ ” Cyrus looks shocked. People usually are when they find out they’re siblings. Tj’s never really known why.

“Yes, my brother who I really need to find. We can talk about this later Cyrus, okay? Bye guys!”

“Bye!” They all say, Andi looking extremely happy and Buffy and Cyrus looking… wary. They start whispering, and Tj can’t really hear all of that they’re saying, but he picks out a few words.

 “-not _that_ bad.” Cyrus says.

“He’s awful! Don’t you remember when-” Buffy says.

“-she’s okay though.” Andi says.

“-related to a guy like him?” Buffy says.

Tj stops listening. He gets the point.

-

At home, Tj knocks on Amber’s door.

“Mom, please not know.”

“Um, it’s Tj.”

“Oh!” The springs of the mattress squeak as Amber bounces over to the door and opening it slightly. “Hey I was looking for you earlier.”

“Yeah, I was… talking to a teacher. Can I come in?” he asks. She opens the door wider.

“Yeah sure.” Amber’s room, which is usually artistically neat, colorful, covered in pictures, is now a disaster. Everything that was on her desk or her walls or in her closet is on the floor in piles. He ignores it, and so does she.

“So, when were you going to tell me that your girlfriend is Andi Mack?” Amber smiles.

“I don’t know, when it came up. How’d you even know?”

“I heard you guys talking earlier.”

“Okay then when were you going to tell me you’re friends with Cyrus Goodman?” Tj scoffs.

“We’ve only been friends for like a week.”

“Okay, well I’ve only been dating Andi for like a few weeks, so I guess we’re even. Why does it matter so much that it’s Andi anyway?” Tj thinks. It doesn’t really, it’s not like it bothers him. It’s just that Andi’s friends with Buffy, and Buffy hates him, still, even after almost three years, so he just assumed Andi hates him too, although he doesn’t know how Amber would know that.

“It doesn’t. I’m happy for you Ambs. Really.” She smiles again.

“Well, thanks Teej. I’m glad someone is.”


	9. HEAVEN- Troye Sivan

Tj is happy for Amber. Of course he is. He’s glad she’s gotten something good out of all of this mess.

But he’s also not happy. 

Because he knows he’ll never have it. Because he doesn’t have the courage she has. He can’t deal with what she deals with. He can’t even deal with watching her deal with it, how could he ever go through it himself? He had finally started to think maybe telling his parents, or Amber, or  _ someone _ would actually be a good idea. And then Amber sat them all down and said  _ mom, dad, Tj, I’m gay. _ And Tj’s stomach dropped. She said the words he couldn’t.

And his parents didn’t want to hear them.

Tj knows he needs to let this secret breathe, he just doesn’t know how to. He’s been keeping it wrapped up tight his whole life. Maybe it won’t even come out at this point. Maybe he won’t come out. Maybe the real him doesn’t even exist anymore.

He pulls out his phone and opens Instagram, tapping on Cyrus’ name, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. He stares at his shaking fingers, hovering over the first few letters.  _ I’m gay. Please just let it out. It hurts. _

**_T: I can’t do math._ ** He writes instead. Cyrus texts back right away.

**_C: Do you need help? I’m not great at math, but I could try._ **

**_T: I don’t mean I’m bad at math. I mean I can’t do it. No matter how hard I try all of the numbers just get all jumbled and start to look like things I’ve never seen before._ ** Tj waits for a response. One minute. Five minutes. He closes his phone, resting it on his chest and squeezing his eyes shut.  _ He’s only known you for a couple of days. Why would he want to help? Everyone knows you’re a jerk. You don’t deserve it. _

**_C: I think you might have a learning disability Tj._ ** And there it is. The words he has never wanted to hear, even if he’s always known it’s true. 

**_C: I’m here Tj. If you need it._ **


	10. ilomilo- Billie Eilish

Tj sees Cyrus with his friends as he walks into school, all of them huddled together and laughing. He feels a twinge of jealousy, not only because he wishes he still had friends like that, but because he knows he’ll always come second best to them in Cyrus’ eyes. He almost says hi, but he doesn’t want to put Cyrus in an awkward position, so he just walks past, keeping his head low so Cyrus doesn’t notice him. He also passes Reed and Lester and he keeps his head even lower.

School feels like an obstacle course for Tj. He has to avoid guys like Reed and Lester, he has to avoid talking to Cyrus at the wrong time, he has to avoid any situation that makes him feel stupid, which is pretty much every situation. He has to avoid showing himself to anyone. Nothing ever goes right when he does that.

“Hey Tj! Wait up!” Tj turns, pulling out an earbud to see Cyrus running down the hall to catch up with him. “You didn’t say hi.” He looks concerned. _Maybe he thinks it’s because of last night._

“Yeah, you looked busy. I didn’t wanna bother you.” Cyrus’ face doesn’t change.

“You know, Buffy and Andi don’t have a problem with you.” Tj rolls his eyes, giving a face that can only be described as _yeah right._ “Okay, well they have a little bit of a problem but maybe if you came and said hi they wouldn’t.” He looks so hopeful and it hurts Tj to break his spirits, but it’s the truth.

“I don’t think it’s that simple Cyrus.”

“It’s been years! Buffy couldn’t still care about all that.”

“Well it seems like she does.” They stare at each other. _I’m trying Cyrus. I really am._ Tj hopes he can hear him. _I want to be better, I just don’t know how._

“Cyrus?” He breaks their eye contact to turn around, and it feels like a rush of cold air sweeps over Tj. Buffy and Andi are standing behind him. “You ready?” Andi asks. Buffy's glaring at Tj.

“Um,” he turns and looks at Tj apologetically. “Yeah.” They walk past him, Cyrus bumping into his side. Tj turns, watches him walk away, and it’s small, but he sees Cyrus look back, if only out of the corner of his eye. He watches him until they turn the corner.

 


	11. Ocean Eyes (Astronomy Remix)- Billie Eilish

The world around him is muted, like he’s underwater. Everything seems so far away, so hard to reach. Amber and him are separated only by a wall, but it feels an eternity. Cyrus is there, but it’s like he’s in a bubble, and if Tj gets to close, it’s going to pop. Two sides of himself are on opposite sides of a coin, and it’s standing on its edge, indecisive, leaving him stuck in limbo.

He wishes he could get lost in something. He has no imagination left to draw, no friends left that are truly his. He closes his eyes, trying to get lost in _something,_ even if it is only his own thoughts.

And then all he can see are Cyrus’ eyes.

Chocolate and glistening and deep and _terrifying. It won’t go away Tj. You can run, you can hide, but it won’t go away._ He tried being normal, he tried being isolated, he tried blending in, he tried being invisible. _It won’t go away._ He knows it won’t. He knows it will only get bigger, it will only hurt more, but he can’t do it. _You know you aren’t strong enough._

He’s falling. He’s underwater. He can’t breathe. He’s scared.

“Tj?” It’s Amber.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” He doesn’t answer. He can’t. He hears her floorboards squeak, her door creep open and his closed, feels his bed shift with her weight, her hand on his back.

“Hey” He rolls towards her. “I’m here. Okay?” He nods, rolling into her lap. He wants to say it, but he doesn’t, he can’t, he shouldn’t, _why do you want that?_ So he just lets her shush him, rubbing his shoulder.

“You are strong Tj. You just have to believe in yourself.”

-

Amber has long since gone back to her room. He looks at the wall as if it’s her face, as if it’s her crystal blue eyes, and he thinks about telling her.

“Amber?” Tj says to the wall. She doesn’t reply. “I’m gay,” he breathes, knowing she won’t hear him.

But she does.


	12. Shake It Out- Florence + the Machine

His eyes. That’s all Tj can see now. His bubbling and electric eyes, that send a fire blazing through Tj’s heart. He looks at himself in the mirror, looks at his own eyes. They're pale green, almost invisible. It feels like they could be washed away, just like the rest of him. Cyrus is so strong, so permanent. Tj breathes in and looks at himself, looks into his forgettable green eyes and tries to be strong like Amber said he was. He tries to be strong for the moment that Cyrus’ eyes look at him. There’s a knock on the bathroom door.

“You ready Teej?” Amber’s hanging on the door frame, smiling. He smiles back.

“Yeah.”

-

Tj’s pencil is tapping furiously. His eyes flick between the clock and the door. Class starts in two minutes and Cyrus isn’t here.  _ Why isn’t he here? When does he normally get to class?  _ His heart is beating faster and he doesn’t know why he’s so anxious.  _ Do I even want him to show up? _

Tj opens his notebook and starts to doodle, trying to relax and following whatever his pencil starts doing. Of course, he’s too anxious for that, and also of course, he starts drawing a set of eyes. It doesn’t take much guessing as to whose they are.

“Hey Tj! Whatcha listening to?” Tj slams his notebook shut, turning and smiling way too brightly.  _ Don’t look at his eyes.  _

“Just some Florence + the Machine. Wanna listen?” And he’s handing him an earbud, letting him listen with him, to  _ his playlist. _ Except, now that Tj’s sharing this with Cyrus, even if it’s just one song, it’s not so scary. It’s actually… nice.

“Wow, this is really good. I’ve never heard it before.” They’re close. It’s not like Tj’s headphones are very long. Cyrus is swishing his head, falling in and out of Tj’s personal space.  _ Your bubbles going to pop Cyrus. You can’t get too close. _ But he wants him too.

Right here, listening to music with the boy he likes, the rest of it doesn’t matter.


	13. wish you were gay- Billie Eilish

**_C: we should hang out sometime_ **

**_T: we hang out all the time_ **

**_C: yeah but like not in school_ **

**_T: ok when_ **

**_C: tomorrow?_ **

**_T: sounds good. Your place?_ **

**_C: nah let’s go somewhere_ **

**_T: where?_ **

**_C: it’s a surprise ;)_ **

**_T: haha okay can’t wait_ **

_ I really can’t wait.  _

And now Tj’s smiling again, thinking about spending all day with Cyrus tomorrow, and his stupid beautiful fucking eyes.


	14. Cosmic Love- Florence + the Machine

“Will you tell me where we’re going?” Tj shouts. Cyrus is a good few feet ahead of him, hovering over his bike seat, pedalling hard. 

“No!” he says, leaning over his shoulder. “That’ll ruin the surprise!” Tj sighs, smiling, and pedals faster. People like to compare a lot of things to flying, but Tj thinks riding a bike is the closest you can get, wind whipping past your ears, the feeling like your ten steps ahead of everything, soaring through the streets. 

Cyrus hops off of his bike surprisingly gracefully. They’re in a park. Tj glides along the pavement and rests his bike next to Cyrus’ just as Cyrus falls into the grass, panting. Tj laughs and lies next to him.

“I’m so tired,” Cyrus heaves. 

“Why’d you go so fast then?” Tj asks, laughing a little. Tj looks at him. Cyrus’ eyes are closed and his chest is moving up and down, his arms are sprawled and laying next to Tj’s.

“I was trying to beat you.” Now Tj really laughs. 

“Why?” Tj asks. Cyrus shrugs, shaking his head. He looks at him, and they both burst out laughing. 

“I thought maybe I could win if you didn’t know we were racing. Which I did, you can’t deny that.” Cyrus raises his eyebrows.

“Oh no, you’re a real champion.” Cyrus sits up, clearing his throat.

“I’d like to thank the academy and Buffy for teaching me how to ride a bike, and I am not going to admit how old I was so don’t ask.”

“How old were you?” Tj asks. Cyrus looks down at him, sighing.

“Eleven.” And they’re laughing again. They sit and laugh in the grass for what feels like hours. Tj’s stomach hurts and his cheeks are sore from smiling. Tj wishes he could always feel this happy. He wishes Cyrus could always be there for… for everything. Good and bad.

“Tj?” he suddenly whispers. 

“Yeah?”

“Have you given any thought to what I said the other day?”  _ Yes. No. It’s all I think about but I also can’t let myself think about it cause I don’t know what any of it means. _

“I don’t know.” 

“You don’t know?” Tj sighs, rolling onto his back and looking at the sky.

“I’m always thinking about it. The other night was not the first time I thought I would have… you know. It’s not the first time I knew I was terminal stupid.”

“Hey.” Cyrus sits up, looking down at Tj. “You’re not stupid.” Tj rolls his eyes. “Having a learning disability doesn’t make you stupid. Being bad at school doesn’t make you stupid.” He looks into Tj’s eyes and it’s hard for Tj to keep looking at him.  _ I thought I told you not to look at his eyes. _ It’s hard for him to keep looking, but it’s also so hard to stop. “There is nothing wrong with you Tj.”

Tj knows what he means. He knows he’s talking about his learning disability, but he can’t help but feel like Cyrus can see everything, that by looking into his eyes he saw the real thing Tj is ashamed of. He thinks about Amber’s words now;  _ you have to believe in yourself, you are strong.  _ He thinks about Cyrus’; _ you’re not stupid. There is nothing wrong with you. _ He thinks about them hard, he tries to believe. He wants to. So badly he wants to.

But to him, they don’t make any sense.

“If you ever need help, you can always ask. I promise.” Cyrus lays back down next to Tj and looks at the sky. They watch the clouds pass in silence, but it doesn’t feel very quiet to Tj. His whole head is shouting at him.

“Cyrus?” he asks.

“Yeah?”

“Will you help me?” Cyrus exhales, and Tj can hear his soft, goofy smile.

“Of course.”


	15. Futile Devices (Doveman Remix)- Sufjan Stevens

They’re on the swings now. 

“Can I ask you something?” Cyrus says. 

“Yeah, sure.”

“What happened to your hand?” Tj looks down at his hand. He took the gauze off a while ago, but there’s still big red scars on the back of each knuckle. He runs his fingers along them. He doesn’t look at Cyrus as he speaks.

“I was walking alone a while ago. It was just after Amber came out and my parents had been yelling and I had never heard them yell before. And I felt so scared and frustrated that I punched a fence.” Tj laughs a little at the last part, and so does Cyrus, but it’s short lived because the rest of what Tj said doesn't go unnoticed.

“How are they now?”

“Hm?”

“Your parents.” Tj finally looks up. Cyrus’ eyebrows are drawn together and his swing is twisted towards Tj. 

“The same. They don’t give Amber a break about anything and they’re constantly fighting. It all came out of nowhere.”  _ Everything came out of nowhere. _

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I’m still sorry.” Tj smiles, letting himself look at Cyrus’ eyes. 

“Having you here helps.” Cyrus smiles back.

“Good.”


	16. Trouble- Cage the Elephant

Tj hasn’t  _ really _ looked at the pictures on his wall in a while. He doesn’t know why he’s kept a lot of them up. He has drawings of course, it’s mostly drawings, but there are a couple of pictures. Pictures of the team, a couple of them with Buffy’s face scribbled out which he now realises is a pretty cruel thing to do, but he treated Buffy pretty cruelly. He also has some pictures of just him, Reed, and Lester. He picks one up of them at a pizza restaurant, all of them in their uniforms. They must’ve just won a game and went out to celebrate. Tj wishes he could remember how good it felt when they won.

Tj looks at himself, smiling, his arm slung around Reed’s shoulder. He sees himself, but more than that he sees what’s underneath. He’s not happy in this picture. He thought he was happy, but he wasn’t. He was hiding. He’s still hiding. He looks at Reed. He tries to see what he used to, but he can’t, and he’s grateful for that. He doesn’t want to go back to that. 

He puts the picture back up, grabbing a different one, this one with the whole team. He looks at Buffy, at the black sharpie covering her face and feels so guilty it kind of hurts. If he wasn’t such a dick to her maybe things with Cyrus wouldn’t be so complicated. Maybe he could have a real group of friends, not a group he’s friends with just because it makes him look normal, whatever normal even is. 

He should talk to her. And Andi. She is his sister’s girlfriend. And probably Jonah. There has to be something he did to him. He should just start apologizing and not cross anyone’s face out ever again.

Maybe he should apologize to Reed first. Sure, maybe Reed is just as big of an asshole as Tj used to be, but he didn’t deserve all the crap Tj did to him. He didn’t deserve to be the victim of Tj’s insecurities. He looks at Reed in the picture. He kind of has a lot to thank Reed for. 

Maybe he should start by doing that.


	17. my strange addiction- Billie Eilish

_ I don’t have the courage for this.  _ Tj is standing in front of school, watching Reed who is sitting on one of the picnic tables, animatedly telling a story to a group of basketball guys sitting around him. He scans the courtyard, looking for Cyrus. It doesn't seem like he's here yet. Tj turns back to Reed, takes a deep breath, and begins walking. His legs start working without his brain cause if he had any common sense he would turn around and never look back.  _ No. I have to do this. _

And now he’s standing right in front of Reed. Reed hasn’t noticed yet. No one has. Maybe he still has time to leave.  _ No. Do it Tj. Be strong like Amber said you were. _ Tj clears his throat and everybody looks at him.

“Look who’s finally come crawling back.” Reed smirks. _I_ _ am strong.  _

“Can I talk to you Reed?”

“Is this gonna end the same way it ended last time you wanted to talk to me? Because I really can’t afford another visit to the emergency room. We have a game this weekend.” Tj clenches his fist.

“No, it’s not. Can i please just talk to you?”

“Whatever. I'll see you guys later.” All the guys surrounding Reed disperse, leaving Tj alone with Reed for the first time in two years. Reed hops off the table, standing in front of Tj, way too close. “What?” Tj takes a step back.

“I just wanted to apologize for all the shit that went down in eighth grade. It wasn’t cool of me to flip out on you guys like that.” Reed smirks, exhaling a short laugh.

“Uh, okay? Whatever dude. It’s not my problem that you wanted to go all batshit crazy.” Reed goes to leave, but Tj grabs his arm. 

“Seriously, I’m sorry. And, thanks for being such a good friend to me. I didn’t really deserve it.” Reed snatches his arm out of Tj’s grasp.

“Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? I said whatever. Just drop it.”

“You’re not listening to me-” 

“You’re not listening to me!” Reed shoves him, and Tj stumbles back. “I don’t care that you quit the team, I don’t care you punched me in the face or went awol on us. No one gives a shit but you. We just want to you to leave us alone.” And with that, Reed stomps away. Wind whistles past Tj’s ears.  _ What the hell just happened? _

“Tj?” He turns around. Buffy’s standing there, a concerned look on her face. “Are you okay?” Tj blinks, trying to get his thoughts in order.

“Why do you care?” He means to spit it at her, but it comes out pitiful. His eyes burn.

“I’m just making sure you’re okay. Reed was being a total dick.” Tj tries to glare at her. He wants to push her away, he wants to be strong, to take care of himself.  _ If you ever need help, you can always ask.  _ Cyrus’ words ring in his head. 

“No, actually. I’m not okay.”

“Hey,” Buffy reaches out, her hand brushing Tj’s arm. “Reed was just talking a bunch of shit back there. It was really cool what you tried to do and he shouldn’t of acted like that.” Tj blinks.

“Why are you saying all of this?” She pulls her hand back.

“What?” 

“Why are you so nice?” Buffy laughs, shoving her hands in the pockets of her jacket.

“I’m actually not very nice. I’ve just learned that it never feels good to kick someone when they’re down.” Tj smiles sadly at his shoes.

“Thanks Buffy.”

“No problem Kippen. We’ll talk later yeah?” She walks past him, not waiting for an answer.  _ Yeah,  _ he thinks.  _ Let’s talk later. _


	18. i’m so tired… stripped (Live in LA)- Lauv, Troye Sivan

“Hey Teej, mom said she and dad aren’t gonna be home tonight. You wanna order a pizza?” Amber’s hanging off the door frame, her blonde hair hanging like a curtain.

“Yeah sure. Whatever you want sounds good.” She pulls out her phone.

“Coolio. I’ll go pick it up in a bit. Wanna come?”

“Sure.” She grins, her hair whipping behind her as she turns around to head back to her room.

“H-Hey Amber?” Tj calls. She leans back in the doorway.

“Can I ask you something?” Her eyebrows pinch and she comes in, closing the door slightly behind her. 

“Sure Teej. What’s up?”

“Are you glad you told mom and dad?” Her face falls, and if it was anyone else they wouldn’t have noticed, but Tj does. She sighs, stepping forward and sitting on the corner of his bed.

“I am. I hate all of the fighting, and I hate putting you through this, but it’s so much better out in the open. I could probably go on and on with analogies about how good it makes me feel, cause it does. It makes me feel amazing. If mom and dad have a problem with it, then that’s okay. I hope they can grow and learn to accept me one day, but if they can’t then that’s their loss. It feels good because I have my friends, and my girlfriend, and an amazing brother, and I know they all love me, and I love myself.” By the end, her smile is huge. “Why’d you ask?” Tj shrugs.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, and that you don’t regret anything.” Amber stands, brushing her hair out of her face.

“No regrets Teej. If you ever need anything else, just tell me, okay? I’m here for you Tj. Promise.”

_ Hey Amber, do you think it would be a good idea if I told them? _ “Thanks Amber.”

“No problem. We’ll leave in ten, sound good?”

“Sounds good.”


	19. Dance To This (feat. Ariana Grande)- Troye Sivan

Buffy’s standing by her locker, talking to Andi and her boyfriend (Tj assumes) (he still doesn’t know his name). He takes a deep breath, having hope that this will go better than it did last time.

“Hey Buffy.” They all look at him. “Could we talk for a minute?” She looks back at the other two, both with wide eyes. 

“I’ll see you guys later okay?” she whispers. “Uh, yeah Tj sure.” Andi and the guy leave and Buffy slams her locker, pulling her backpack on. The courtyard is pretty empty when they walk outside, and the air is cold. It looks like it’s going to rain.

“Wanna shoot some hoops?” Tj points over his shoulder at the basketball court. She smirks.

“If you’re sure you still got the moves.” She slips her backpack off her shoulder and she starts walking towards the court, Tj right behind her. She grabs a ball sitting near the fence, dribbling it for a second before shooting a perfect swish. Maybe Tj won’t be able to keep up quite like he thought. “What’s up Tj?” She passes him the ball and he shoots, bouncing it off the rim and back to her.

“Yeah, well I just wanted to thank you for the other day, and say I’m sorry for all the shit I did when we played together. It wasn’t cool. Actually, it was way less than cool.”

“Actually,” Buffy shoots again, “it was pretty shit.” The ball bounces and they look at each other.

“Yeah, I know. I just want you to know I’m sorry. Really sorry. And I feel so guilty and I- I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know how to put how bad he feels into words.

“It’s all good Tj. I’m over it at this point. I mean, you’ve still been on my shitlist, but I forgive you.” She shoots, she scores. “Thanks for apologizing.” Tj smiles, feeling lighter than he did before. “I do have one question though.”  _ Oh no. _

“Yeah?” Tj asks. She passes him the ball. He dribbles for a second before shooting. It swirls on the rim of the hoop and falls off the back into the grass. Neither of them get it.

“Why?” Buffy asks. Tj sighs.  _ I can’t tell you _ .

“I don’t really know,” he shrugs. “I was insecure about a lot of stuff and you were an easy target, which sounds so messed up I know, but I just didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, and I took all of that out on you.”

“I meant,” she says, retrieving the ball, “why are you apologizing? Why now?”  _ Oh. _

“Cause what I did to you makes me feel shitty and it probably makes you feel shitty, or at least  _ made  _ you feel shitty, and I knew if I ever wanted to be friends with Cyrus I’d have to make amends with you. I mean, you’re his best friend.” She looks at him, cocking an eyebrow, shooting and making it without even looking.

“Alright Kippen. I’ll give you a shot, but you better not try anything.” She hands him the ball, walking past him and grabbing her bag.

“I won’t Buffy. And thank you again.”

“And stop thanking me. It’s weird.” She hops on her bike, riding away. Tj looks at the ball in his hand then at the hoop, and shoots. It bounces off the backboard. He grabs his backpack out of the grass and starts walking home. 


	20. Touch- Troye Sivan

**_C: you did WHAT?_ **

**_T: i talked to buffy and she was super cool_ **

**_T: i think we’re all good now_ **

**_C: no no no no no_ **

**_C: you don’t just get to do this and be “all good”_ **

**_C: this is a huge moment!!!!!_ **

**_C: we can all hang out together now!!!!_ **

**_T: woah cyrus don’t get ahead of yourself_ **

**_T: by all good i didn’t mean we were friends_ **

**_C: well why not? We’re having a party this weekend you should totally come_ **

**_T: Cyrus_ **

**_C: Tj! Please?_ **

**_T: fine i’ll come if you get everyone’s permission_ **

**_T: i don’t want to start anything_ **

**_C: okay_ **

Cyrus texts back ten minutes later with screenshots from Buffy, Andi, Jonah, and Marty (that’s his name!) with confirmation that Tj is allowed, although, in the words of Andi, ‘he best watch himself’. 

**_C: Andi’s house. Saturday._ **

**_T: sounds good cy but I don’t know where she lives_ **

**_C: i’ll pick you up_ **

**_T: you don’t know where I live_ **

**_C: Amber knows the way_ **

**_T: k see you there dweeb_ **


	21. Where's My Love? (Alternate Version)- SYML

**_C: Tj?_ **

**_T: Yeah?_ **

**_C: can we talk?_ **

**_T: sure_ **

**_C: no like in person_ **

**_T: now?_ **

**_C: please?_ **

**_T: um, sure. Meet me at the park_ ** Tj immediately climbs out of bed, pulling on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that are definitely dirty. He slowly opens his door and tip-toes down the hallway, looking around the stairs to make sure his mom isn’t on the couch, which of course she is. _Shit._ Tj looks back at his room, then down at his mom. She’s such a light sleeper there’s no way he’s about to get out the front door without her noticing. He creeps back up the stairs and quietly knocks on Amber’s door. He waits. _Please be awake. Please please please be awake._

“Tj? What the hell do you want?” Her hair is a mess and she’s rubbing her eyes which she’s struggling to keep open.

“When you sneak out to see Andi, how do you get out?” She looks like she’s about to get offended before deciding that it's no use, sighing and opening the door wider, letting him inside.

“Okay,” Amber leans down and pulls open her window. “All you have to do is climb down this tree. Don’t hurt yourself, the drop from the lowest branch isn’t exactly short.” Tj couldn’t care less.

“Thanks Amber.”

“Don’t mention it.” He swings his legs over the window sill, grabbing onto a branch.

Good thing Tj hasn’t lost _all_ of his athleticism, because the tree isn’t exactly easy to climb down. There aren’t that many branches and they’re really far apart. Also good thing that Tj’s fairly tall. He hops down from the last branch, stumbling forward onto his knees. After he gets up and brushes the wood chips off, Tj starts running. He doesn’t think about his bike resting against the side of his house; all he can think is _Cyrus needs me._

His lungs burn and each step hits the ground hard as he runs through the streets knowing no car will be out this late. He’s cold without a jacket and even colder with the air rushing past him. He realises halfway there that he left his phone on his bed.

Cyrus is sitting in the grass when he gets there, picking it out of the ground with his head down.

“Cyrus!” He looks up and his eyes are red. Tj hops the fence, walking over and sitting down in front of him. “What’s wrong?” he pants. Cyrus shakes his head, looking down into the grass again. “Hey, Cyrus.” Tj puts his hand on Cyrus’ knee. “I’m here.” And then Cyrus bursts into tears.

“I feel so scared Tj.” Tj doesn’t say anything, just pushes his hand harder into Cyrus’ knee, letting him know, _I’m here._ “I have to tell you something.” He looks at Tj suddenly and it makes Tj’s heart pound. “You opened up to me when you were scared and alone and you trusted me and I don’t know why I haven’t done this yet but-”

“Cyrus, you don’t owe me anything because I opened up to you. It’s not a favor you have to return.”

“I know. But I want to.” And they stare at each other, stare deep into each other’s eyes and wait, the silence heavy.

“I’m gay.”

-

_Tj please say something. Please say something please._

“Tj, say something. Please, I can’t lose you over this.”

_You can’t lose him. Say it. Say it. Goddamnit stop being such a coward!_

“Tj, please.” Cyrus is crying so hard now and Tj can’t do anything but stare at him.

_They’re all more brave than you are. They’re all stronger than you are. You are nothing Tj Kippen. Nothing._

Tj gets up and runs away.

_Nothing more than a coward._


	22. lovely (with Khalid)- Billie Eilish

Cyrus feels like he can’t move. If he didn’t already feel like absolute shit, he definitely does now.  _ You’re such an idiot Cyrus. Why did you think he had changed? Why didn’t you listen to Buffy? _ Cyrus feels shattered. He rips at the grass, pulling it out in tufts so that he won’t scream. Tears fall and fall, dropping onto the ground. He wipes them but they won’t stop falling.

He knows he has to leave soon. If his parents find out he’s gone, they’ll be worried sick, and he’ll be in so much trouble. But he can’t. He can’t move. 

He pulls out his phone. He should text Buffy, but he knows she’ll hunt Tj down. She’ll never forgive him after this.  _ Why do you want her to? Why do you want to? He should be dead to you Cyrus. _ He should text Andi, but she’ll start saying that it’s Tj’s loss, that Cyrus is better off without him, and he’s not ready to hear that. 

**_C: hey Jonah can we talk?_ ** Cyrus sets down his phone in the dirt, ready to wait, but Jonah texts back almost immediately.

**_J: sure Cy-guy, what’s up?_ **

**_C: could you meet me at the park?_ **

**_J: uh, yeah give me ten and i’ll be there_ **

Cyrus waits, pulling on grass and trying to get a hold of his breath. It’s starting to get light out.

“Cyrus!” He looks up. Jonah’s walking his bike over, setting it down in the grass and sitting down in front of Cyrus. “What’s up?”

“You remember a long time ago, when you were having a panic attack and I helped you through it and you said you were glad to have me as a friend?” Jonah’s permanent and insanely magnetic smile disappears. 

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m glad to have you as a friend too. And right now I kind of need you to help me through something.” Jonah scoots closer, resting his hands on his knees.

“Yeah, whatever you need Cyrus.”

“I, well, um.” Cyrus doesn’t know how to start. “You know I’ve been hanging out with Tj?” 

“Yeah you texted me earlier to see if he could come to the party this weekend right?”

“Yeah, well, tonight I asked him if he could meet me here because we’ve been hanging out and I’ve helped him with some stuff and I felt bad because I hadn’t told him some things about me, which I know is stupid cause I don’t owe him anything, but still I just did.” Jonah doesn’t say anything, just looks at Cyrus as he talks. Listening. That’s why Cyrus wanted to talk to Jonah. He listens.

“And I told him I’m gay because I like him and I thought he might like me too but he just ran off and now I don’t know what to do.” Cyrus starts crying again once he says that last part. Each word breaks and it feels like he’s cracking.

“Hey, Cyrus.” Jonah moves over next to Cyrus, resting his hand on his back. “You’re going to be okay. Sometimes people suck and things happen and we don’t know what it means but it all ends up okay. Trust me.”

“Thanks Jonah. I really am glad to have a friend like you.” Jonah laughs.

“You two Cy-guy. Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.”


	23. listen before i go- Billie Eilish

The sky is black. There are no stars, no clouds, no light. 

_ I’m sorry Cyrus. _

Sorry doesn’t mean anything now. 

_ I’m such a coward. _

_ I’m so scared. _

_ So weak. _

_ I know it doesn’t mean anything Cyrus, _

_ But I’m sorry. _

_ How could I break a promise so quickly? _

_ How could I do this to him? _

_ How could I? _

_ Classic Tj. _

_ Anything good and I have to ruin it. _


	24. Gasoline- Troye Sivan

Cyrus walks in, looks at Tj, and walks straight to the other side of the room. The look in Cyrus’ eyes is so gut-wrenching and Tj can’t deal with the fact that _he_ caused that. He hurt him. There’s no one to blame but himself.

Tj looks at the blank piece of paper in front of him. He stares at it and can’t see anything other than exactly what it is. A blank piece of paper. He puts the tip of his pencil on it, but he can’t write anything, he can’t even move his hand. The only thing he can think is  _ I’m sorry. _

He writes it. Over and over again.  _ I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.  _

_ I’m sorry Cyrus. _

_ Why did you even talk to me in the first place? _


	25. xanny- Billie Eilish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has kind of gone of the rails a little sorry it's sooooo angsty but i just miss this show and tyrus and it's all coming out in this fic sorry hope you still like it lol

Tj looks at himself in the mirror. He stares into the eyes that couldn’t look into Cyrus’ and tell him the truth. He looks at his lips, which can’t even utter two simple words. His hair has grown long and flops into his face. He grips the sides of the sink. His knuckles are completely healed, but now their glowing white with tension.

“Tj?” 

“What do you want Amber?” He says through gritted teeth.

“I need to talk to you.” He looks up at her. “Come on.” She walks into his room, closing the door. He let’s go, shaking out his hands and glaring at himself in the mirror one more time.

Amber’s standing by his window, her arms crossed. She somehow looks mad and empathetic at the same time.

“What do you want?”

“I heard what you whispered.” Amber says, like he’s supposed to know what that means. Tj scoffs, dropping his arms.

“What?” he asks.

“A couple of weeks ago, you whispered something thinking I didn’t hear it. But I did. I heard what you said.” Oh.  _ Oh. _ “Tj, I need you to listen before you freak out.” She puts her hands up, like he’s a bull about to charge. 

“Fine. I’m listening.” He breathes heavily, trying to keep it steady.

“You need to stop torturing yourself like this Tj. Everything is going to be okay, you just need to trust yourself and stop letting your fear run your life.”

“Everything is  _ not _ going to be okay Amber!” He knows he said he would listen, but he can’t. He’s done listening. He needs to speak. “Look what happened to you! I know you said you don’t regret anything but I can’t deal with that! I can’t have mom and dad yelling at me and I can’t have people looking at me when I go to school and I can’t have people hiding to change when I’m in the locker rooms,”  _ you haven’t been in the locker rooms in years  _ “and I can’t have all of the guys think I’m crushing on them”  _ all the guys?  _ “And I can’t deal with the whispers and the laughing and people thinking I’m stupid and feeling so different and out of place and alone and scared all the time!”  _ What are you even talking about anymore?  _ He’s not crying, but his face is hot and he’s out of breath. His whole body is tingling. Amber is looking at him, but he can’t look at her. 

“Tj.” She takes a step forward. He can’t listen anymore. He turns around and does what he does best. He runs.


	26. Smile- Nat King Cole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously I wrote this at like 2 am so if it's a bit dramatic I'm sorry lol

Tj runs harder than he ran when Cyrus texted him for help. He runs harder than when his parents started yelling when Amber came out. He runs harder than when he punched Reed.

It doesn’t matter. He can’t outrun the truth. He can’t outrun himself.

_You’re gay Tj. Why does it scare you so much?_

_Is that all you’re afraid of?_

He stops, stumbling, panting. He grabs his hair, hot tears of anger running down his cheeks. He screams. He screams so loud. No one will hear him. It doesn’t matter how loud he shouts. No one will hear him.

 _You’re invisible Tj. Just like you wanted._ Except he didn’t want this.

Tj turns, pulling back his fist, reading to release all of his anger on the chain link fence that separates him from the train tracks. But then he hears Cyrus’ voice.

_I'm here Tj. If you need it._

His fist falls, he breaths in and out, staring at the tracks. Then he turns and starts running. Not away. Away from his problems, from the truth, from who he really is.

He runs towards. Towards happiness, towards risk.

Towards Cyrus.


	27. Take Me To Church- Hozier

Tj runs and runs, hoping, praying maybe.  _ Please be there Cyrus. Please just be there. _

He’s not there. There’s a small patch of dirt where Cyrus pulled out the grass. Tj leans against the fence, clutching his chest, trying to catch his breath. He doesn’t know where he lives. He doesn’t know where else he would be. He turns and slides down the fence, feeling helpless. 

He reaches into his pocket and calls Cyrus. He doesn’t answer.  _ No surprise. _

“Cyrus, please, I need you to come, I need to explain, I,” he falls over his knees, completely out of air. “I need you Cyrus. Please.”

_ The caller you are trying to reach is not available. _

“Cyrus, please, I need to talk to you.”

_ The caller you are trying to reach _

“Cyrus, I’m okay with you being gay. I’m completely okay with it. I don’t hate you. I hate me. It’s all my fault and I need you to let me explain because I  _ can’t  _ lose you.”

_ The caller _

“Please.”

_ The caller _

“Please.”

_ you have reached _

“Please Cyrus.”

_ is not  _ _available._

“Cyrus,”

_ Please leave a message. _

“I love you.”

-

Tj’s finally caught his breath. His eyes are closed and his chest is still heaving, but he’s caught his breath. 

He didn’t come. Tj’s been waiting for hours, but he didn’t come. His parents are probably pissed and Amber’s probably worried out of her mind, thinking he did something stupid. He stands and his legs are shaky. He starts to walk, but he keeps glancing back, expecting, hoping maybe, that Cyrus will be there, that he’ll listen. But he’s not. And he won’t be.

The walk home is long, and Tj feels directionless. There’s no journey, there’s no destination, he’s just going because he has to. The street lamps are on when he gets to his block, and the houses are dark. It’s quiet; no wind, no cars, just silence. Tj watches his feet as he walks up the sidewalk, watches his feet while he walks up the driveway, watches his feet stop when his name is called.

“Tj.” He lifts his head. Cyrus is sitting on his front step.

-

They’re sitting on the curb, a few feet apart. 

“Alright Tj,” Cyrus starts. “Let’s hear it.” Cyrus is purposely being more calloused than he feels, trying not to let Tj’s messages mean anything.  _ I need you. I don’t hate you. I can’t lose you. I love you.  _ Tj takes a deep breath. He’s staring intently at his hands which are clenched together so hard they’re shaking.

“I know it doesn’t mean anything,” he mumbles, “but I'm sorry Cyrus.”

“I know you are Tj, but I don’t want to sit here and listen to you apologize all night.” They’re both silent for a moment.

“Two years ago, I punched my best friend in the face.” Weird place to start, but Cyrus listens, waiting to see where he’s going to go with this. “There’s a lot of stories about why I did it, or there used to be, no one really cares anymore, but none of them are true. I punched Reed for the same reason I punched that fence. I felt scared. Sure I had basketball and I had friends and it all  _ looked  _ perfect, but it was just an act.” Tj takes a deep breath, now that he can, now that he has air again.

“I was just trying to protect myself. I felt stupid and alone and I was in love with my best friend and couldn’t do a single thing about it or everything would be ruined and it all just built and built until Reed said something to piss me off and I just lashed out at him and let everything explode around me.” Tj thinks maybe he said it fast enough that Cyrus didn’t notice, but there’s no taking it back now.  _ I was in love with my best friend. I hate myself. I love you Cyrus.  _ It’s all been said.

“And instead of taking this as a moment to change, I hid myself even more. And no one cared. I became invisible, which is what I thought I wanted until I realised what that really meant. I was so alone and everything got flipped upside down and nothing made sense anymore.” Tj looks up, finally he looks up, and right at Cyrus. His eyes are pooling and electric green. “Until you Cyrus.” He looks away, shrugging off the vulnerability, and continues.

“And I’m just so pissed that I ruined that and got so scared that I hurt you. You didn’t deserve that.” Tj stops talking. He looks back at Cyrus who is just staring at him and now, more than ever, he wishes he knew what he was thinking.

There’s so much going on in Cyrus’ head, so many voices pulling him in opposite directions.  _ Cyrus, he’s an asshole. Why do you want to give him a second chance? You’re just going to get hurt. I can’t lose you. It will be okay. Things happen that we don’t understand but it will be okay. I need you Cyrus. You’re an idiot Cyrus. For trusting him, for thinking he had changed. Everyone was right. He’s nothing more than what they make him out to be. I love you. _

_ I love you. _


	28. i love you- Billie Eilish

“I love you too Tj.”


	29. hostage- Billie Eilish

“How’d you find my house?” Tj asks.

“I texted Andi.”

“Why’d you come here?” Cyrus shrugs.

“You never told me where you were so I just assumed this was the best bet.”

“Why did you even talk to me in the first place?”

“What?”

“That day in class, you asked me what I was listening to. Why did you talk to me?”

“Because I needed a partner.”

 

“Then why did you text me later?”

 

“Because I knew you weren’t the guy everyone said you were.”

“I am that guy. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t have done any of this crap.”

“You didn’t do that because of who you are you did it because you were scared.”

“You wouldn’t have acted like this if you were scared.”

“Tj, when are you going to accept that you’re not a bad person?” Cyrus is glaring at him. It’s the first time Tj’s ever seen him truly angry.

“When I’m not one.”

“You aren’t Tj! You are a good person who does stupid shit all of the time but it’s not out of maliciousness! No bad person would’ve felt bad about what they did to me, or Buffy, or Reed, or anyone. You carry around so much hurt that you don’t deserve Tj all because you like to punish yourself for things that you can’t control.” Cyrus stands, walking over and standing in front of Tj, looking down at him. “I wouldn’t have fallen in love with a bad person.” And he turns, walking down the street, in and out of the street light.

“Cyrus!” Tj stands. Cyrus stops, turning around with his arms crossed, and Tj doesn’t know what else to do but run, run to him, run and grab his face and kiss him like he’ll never be able to again because maybe he won’t be.

Cyrus couldn’t resist if he wanted too. His hands drop and find Tj’s waist and he pulls him close, wrapping his arms around his back. He takes as much as he can before it ends.

“Stay. Please.” Tj has never been this close to someone, but Cyrus is right in front of him, in his arms, looking up at him. He nods, falling into the crook of Tj’s neck and pulling him even closer.

Sure Tj had caught his breath before, but now he can finally breathe.


	30. Dangerously- Charlie Puth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the support on this- i never expected it to be as successful as is it <3 i'm surprised i still have the willpower to write this after yesterday's news, but it's important not to abandon stuff like this cause soon it'll be all that's left. wow that's really sad sorry love you all and this fandom so so so much <3

“We don’t have to do this Tj,” Cyrus whispers. Tj has his eyes locked forward, his fingers twitching.

“No, I want to.”  _ I’m done being a coward. _ Tj reaches over and laces his fingers in Cyrus’. His hand is small and warm, and aside from his immense fear, holding it makes Tj so happy. Tj still can’t believe Cyrus forgave him. He can’t really believe anything that’s been going on recently. “Are you ready?” he asks Cyrus, still not being able to look anywhere but forward.

“It doesn’t matter if I’m ready. Everyone knows I’m gay. Except for you apparently.” Cyrus nudges Tj’s side, teasing him.

“Uh, Cyrus?” They both turn around. Buffy, Andi, Jonah, Marty, and  _ Amber _ are all staring, extremely confused looks on their faces. “Want to explain?” Both Tj and Cyrus look at their conjoined hands, frozen.

“Yeah,” Cyrus says, acting completely casual, unlinking their hands and pulling Tj close by the waist, making him go completely red. “We’re dating now, kind of.”

“Kind of?” Tj asks, looking down at Cyrus.

“Well, I just mean it’s new so you know, we’re dating but… I don’t know we hadn’t really talked about it.”

“Haven’t talked about it?”

“I just didn’t want to assume anything.”

“Excuse me?” Buffy says, waving her hand in their faces to get their attention. “When did this happen?”

“Um, Saturday.” Cyrus looks at Jonah, trying to gauge what he thinks about all of this. He smiles at Cyrus, quirking his eyebrows, almost saying  _ I told you so.  _ I guess they’re going to keep what happened between them, and Cyrus thanks God because he does not want to give anyone a reason to hate Tj right now. He just wants to leave it all behind them. 

“Well, we were just gonna head inside so…” Tj trails off, pointing his hand over his shoulder.

“Yeah, we should get inside before the bell rings,” Amber says, grabbing Andi’s hand and walking briskly past them. Buffy smiles at Cyrus, brushing his shoulder as she, Marty, and Jonah walk into school. Cyrus watches her go, wondering what he ever did to deserve such great friends.

“You ready?” Tj asks. Cyrus turns back around. 

“Are you?” Tj just rolls his eyes, grabbing Cyrus’ wrist and pulling him inside.

-

It’s weird for Tj; having a group. They’re not really  _ his _ group, not yet, but for now they’re his group by association. He walks into the lunch room, ready to sit in the corner with his headphones blasting like he usually does, but of course Cyrus waves him over, practically jumping out of his seat. He sits quietly for practically the whole lunch period, only really talking to Cyrus every once and awhile. He still feels so guilty even if Cyrus told him over and over again not too.  _ Tj, you were an idiot, and a jackass, but I don’t really feel like holding onto this grudge forever. You apologized, you explained, I mean you  _ kissed  _ me. What else could I want? _

“You okay?” Cyrus asks quietly while Marty’s telling some loud joke. Tj smirks, nodding.

“Yeah. You?” Cyrus smiles, a full, toothy smile, and steals one of Tj’s fries. 

“Never better.” He turns away, threading their hands together under the table.


	31. Dog Days Are Over- Florence + The Machine

Tj’s standing outside the kitchen, just out of his mom’s eyesight.  _ You can do it Tj. You’re strong.  _ He takes one last breath, clenching and unclenching his hands before he walks inside.

“Mom?” His voice almost cracks. She looks up from the sink.

“Yeah?” She wipes her hands on a towel and then wipes her hand across her forehead.  _ Say it. Just say it. You can. You’re strong. _

_ But why do I need to do this to prove that? _ Tj thinks.  _ Am I even doing it for myself?  _ All this time, Tj has thought that he would feel strong once he came out to his parents, but he feels strong now. He feels strong for having came out to Cyrus, and to Amber, (albeit slightly inadvertently). He came out to Cyrus’ friends and at school. He came out to himself. He’s okay with himself. Of course he’s going to tell his parents one day, but he doesn’t need to tell them now. He doesn’t need to tell them to feel strong. He doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone. He already knows.

He is strong, and he’s proud of himself. 

“Tj?” his mom asks. He takes a moment, trying to come out of his thoughts.

“What’s for dinner?”

-

Tj takes down the pictures with Buffy’s face scribbled out. One day he’s going to get new ones, way more than he has now. He’s going to have ones of the whole group, once they really start to feel like his. Once he doesn’t need Cyrus there as a buffer. When he and Jonah and Marty can hang out and talk about music, when he and Buffy can shoot hoops together, when Andi will make him a friendship bracelet. He’ll cover the whole wall in their faces.

He doesn’t take down the picture of him, Reed, and Lester. Keeping it hidden away in a drawer or throwing it in the garbage just seems like a step in the wrong direction. And, no matter how much he kind of wants to, he doesn’t scribble out Reeds face.

-

**_T: I have a present for you_ **

**_C: ooo! What is it?_ **

**_T: A drawing_ **

**_C: I finally get to see your drawings?_ **

**_T: yeah_ ** It’s not that Tj was very purposely not showing Cyrus his drawings, it’s just that he hasn’t really drawn in a long time. 

**_T: do you want a picture or do you want me to give it to you tomorrow_ **

**_C: both pls_ **

**_T: okay dweeb_ ** It’s just a picture of Cyrus’ eyes. It’s all Tj has been able to think of every time he sits down to draw. He scribbled  _ ocean eyes  _ across the top, because the song doesn’t scare him anymore, and because he doesn’t think Billie just meant blue when she wrote that, because Cyrus’ eyes remind him of the ocean more than anyone else’s. Deep, mysterious, full of life, shimmering, beautiful; the list goes on.

**_C: i bet i was looking at you when you drew this_ **

**_T: you’re so sappy_ **

**_C: just stating facts_ **

**_C: also my eyes aren't blue_ **

**_C: but i love it_ **

**_C: and you_ **

**_C: <3 _ ** Tj likes that Cyrus doesn’t follow the bullshit rule of double texting. It means he gets to wake up to fifteen texts in the morning, and he gets seven goodbyes every time they have to stop talking. Tj likes that Cyrus breaks the rules, in his own special way.

Tj likes that Cyrus does everything in his own special way.


	32. 22 (OVER S∞∞N)- Bon Iver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter! thank you all so much for the support on scribbling. i know it wasn't perfect, i haven't really written a lot of fanfic, but i'm still proud of it. i hope you guys liked it. i don't really know what else to say. thanks sooo much <3<3<3

They didn’t mean for the park to become their spot, but it did. They’re sitting on the swings, lazily dragging their feet through the dirt and holding hands limply.

“Are you gonna talk to a guidance counselor?” Cyrus asks suddenly.

“About what?” Tj asks, genuinely confused.

“About your learning disability.” Tj scoffs.

“First of all, we aren’t even positive I have one. No offense, Dr. Goodman, but I don’t entirely trust your opinion. Second of all, aren’t teachers supposed to figure this out? I don’t think the students are supposed to be the ones to knock on their door and say ‘hey guess why I’m so bad at school? It’s not cause I don’t apply myself or I’m lazy it’s cause I have a learning disability.” Cyrus laughs.

“Okay, don’t ever call me Dr. Goodman again. I will  _ not  _ be following in my father’s footsteps. Or any of my other parents for that matter. And I honestly don’t know how most people discover they have a learning disability. If you think you do, isn’t better to just ask to get tested rather than sitting around saying it’s all backwards?” Tj frowns.

“I guess.” Cyrus knocks his foot with his own.

“Hey,” Tj looks at him. “I’ll go with you.” That makes Tj smile despite himself. He squeezes Cyrus’ tiny hand. He’ll never get over how small they are and how perfectly they fit in his own.

“Thanks.” They sit in silence, both blushing furiously and smiling like idiots.

“Come on,” Tj says, standing up suddenly and dragging Cyrus off his swing.

“Where?” Tj starts marching towards the park exit, pulling Cyrus behind him.

“It’s a surprise.” They walk through town for a bit, passing all of the tiny shops and people riding bikes, neither of them really giving a damn that their holding hands in public. Tj cuts down an alleyway, walking along the backside of the buildings and veering off into the short strip of woods. He doesn’t let go of Cyrus the whole time.

They come out the other side on a huge square of cement and gravel, behind what looks like a factory. A giant chain link fence with coiled spikes separates them from the train tracks, and the train tracks separate the fence from a man made stream of running water.

“Are we allowed to be here?” Cyrus asks, watching the water trickle down the concrete.

“I don’t know, but I’ve never gotten in trouble, so we should be okay.” Tj finally lets go, stepping forward and stuffing his hands in his pockets, watching the train tracks.

“Why’d you bring me here?” Cyrus asks, stepping forward to meet Tj, watching him instead of the water or the tracks. Tj shrugs. 

“I have a lot of bad memories here, so I wanted to have a good one instead.” Cyrus laughs, lightly, pushing his shoulder into Tj’s.

“That’s a good way to look at things.” 

“You think?” Tj looks down at Cyrus and it makes him swallow, having him look so intensely at his face. He feels so  _ seen. _ He doesn’t say anything, only nods. They both turn back to the tracks. “I think a trains coming,” Tj says, and Cyrus can already hear the wheels chugging along the tracks and the whistle blowing. 

“I’m really happy I’m your boyfriend,” Cyrus yells suddenly, trying to be heard over the train.

“What?” Tj yells back. Cyrus leans forward on his toes, pressing himself right up to Tj’s ear.

“I love being your boyfriend.” He says, suddenly really embarrassed. He feels his face and ears get red and he tries to hide the shy smile creeping across his face. He pulls back from Tj, but only a little, only to be hovering over his shoulder. He searches Tj’s eyes, biting his lip, and waiting for a response. Tj leans down and kisses him, his hand cupping the base of his jaw. He’s only kissed Tj once, but honestly it was a bit of a blur. He was so tired, and he had a piercing headache from crying so much, and it caught him so off guard. But now, now that he can kiss Tj, kiss him and savour it and call him his, he never wants to let go.

And hopefully, if things go his way, he won’t have to.

“I love being your boyfriend too,” Tj shouts, the train still whipping past them.

“What?” 

“I said I love being your boyfriend too!” The train quiets at that last part, and Tj’s words echo through the clouded sky. They both giggle, their arms wrapped around each others waist, foreheads barely pressed together. Tj leans farther into Cyrus’ personal space, knowing he will never be close enough.

“I really do love you Cyrus,” he whispers. He looks into his eyes even if it gives him a slight headache and makes him feel cross-eyed. He does it anyway because that’s the kind of stuff you put up with for people you love. For your boyfriend.  _ I still can’t believe he’s my boyfriend. _

“I love you too.” Maybe Tj and Cyrus don’t really know what love is. Maybe it’s not flipping your whole world upside down for the other person. Maybe it’s not going against every part of yourself telling you no just to find out  _ what if?  _ Maybe it’s not losing a part of yourself to gain a part of someone else. Maybe what Tj and Cyrus has isn’t love. But it really doesn’t matter. None of it does. All that matters now is each other.

And really, who’s to say what love is?


End file.
